Yay my little nephew Mason made it safely into this world. It was THE most stressful week for me and our whole family. Here was some thoughts from last week...
"So, yes I am still awake. I am super tired though. You know that kinda tired that your eyes ache from trying to keep them open. yeah totally me right now. I'm just super stressed out. My younger sister is in labor right now. She has been for the past couple days but was just admitted last night. They gave her some sleeping pills so she can rest. She is super super exhausted. And she's just a little one too. She just turned 21 and she's 5 ft tall. I really really want to be there for her but I'm afraid to actually be there. Is it weird that I'm afraid to jinx her? I have that pit of my stomach feeling like I'm going to throw up and i'm dizzy at the same time. And I feel jealous. but in a "why couldn't i have that" way. Its just crazy overload with all these emotions that I didn't think i would have. I've just been at home watching over things while everyone is rushing back and forth from the hospital. Cooking dinner, cleaning the house but it's like i'm just going through the motions. LIke it's all rushing around me and I'm standing really still. Ugh..."
Then, Saturday the 16th was the 2nd anniversary of our son's death. It was sad. Me and Dustin went to the gravesite and there is still no headstone. I felt horrible. What have we been doing for the past 2 years? People were calling us because they didn't know which one was his. I felt sick and guilty that we've been too wrapped up in our own drama to honor our son properly. I need to make the 1st payment on the headstone soon. It should be ready in 3-6 months. It's the strangest thing to pick out a headstone. It just makes it more real. Afterwards, me and Dustin went to watch the Cardinals game/BBQ at his friend's. Not my idea at all. I wanted to sleep but I guess he already promised. It was even harder to be there and act like the game mattered at all when all I could think about was that my son would have been running around, talking, laughing, getting dirty. everything that a baby does. and he's not. He's lying in the ground. I had to go cry in the bathroom full of stupid smiling monkeys. (really. a monkey rug. monkey toothbrush holder. monkey shower curtain etc. ) Dustin came in and held me til I was ready to come out. It didn't help that the hosts just had a baby boy and the minute I walk in the door they thrust him at me and they hand me a bottle. And he was perfect and smiling and he grabbed my finger while he fed. I nearly lost it. At the end of the night though I was glad that I didn't just hide out in a cave. This day is going to come every year and I'm going to have to learn how to deal with it. I'm just not sure how yet...
Oh yeah so I hung out with my old co-worker Matt Sunday night. We just chatted at Salty's catching up on the lastest Mac Grill gossip. Then...he bought me a camera. Actually we went to Wal-Mart and he pulled $100 out of his wallet and said he was going to buy me a xmas/new years gift. I thought he was joiking but nope. After much thought and pacing around I picked out a digital camera. I actually really needed one too. Hmm...kinda strange though. My mom always told me nothing is ever for free.
It's been a crazy weekend also. Me and my ex have been in the talks of getting back together. It's very confusing though. He wants what we had before and we're not those people anymore. We changed a lot after our son died. I'm not as optimistic as before nor am I as driven. He made a comment tonight that made me sad. He said we switched places. He is moving up and doing new things. Being optimistic and hopeful and I'm the opposite. He said I've settled and I'm always sad. And he feels that he's to blame for those changes. Before I was the one always pushing him to do new things and try new things and be happy even though everything was crap. And that made him smile. He told me I was his sunshine. I don't really remember that person anymore.:( Plus, he's leaving to boot camp in a month and a half. Then, shipping out to who knows where. Can I be in a relationship where I'm the only one constantly there?
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