News...

so i found out last week that i am pregnant. i'm shocked...excited and scared all in one. First of all...they told me i couldnt get pregnant again...2nd of all...will it happen again. I'm really trying to stay positive but those thoughts linger and make me apprehensive to be fully happy. the memories of before when i was completely happy come back as well as what happened the day after i felt that way. somehow being happy is always hand in hand with bad news for me. :( i'm just leaning on my family and friends for support through this. :> they are the best and i love them for that.

herro!!!

some pics from my bday bash...with my buddies and my family. :] amazing time!! happy 26th.

pics.. :>

it's crazy how much my nephew mason looks like me...hilarious...same big head...but it holds a giant brain. :>

still truckin...

wow. it's been forever since my last post. i just got caught up in working two jobs...it takes up sooo much of my time. i've had fun times with my friends as well...it's ridic fun to go out and be silly and dance all night... :> it makes my heart smile.

right now i'm still a little in the cloud of sadness...yesterday was 3 years since my son died. i went to his grave...believe me that took a lot to finally push myself to go. so many memories flood back when i go there...i cried for a while...it was twice as hard because Dustin wasn't there. we promised each other we would always e there on that day...he told me that the base wouldn't let him go...i'm not sure i believe that. i talked to him for a few seconds but he ended up hanging up on me. i tried calling him back but nothing...i'm not sure what that was about...prob his fiancee. it's strange that after going through so much together he cant talk to me. he treats me as if i wronged him. i don't understand.

i finally talked to ty last week. thanks to flippin spencer. he set it up so we would talk finally. we did...it was good to clear the air. still i can't get that close to him again. it's too much to deal with at the moment. he's more confused as i am at the moment. i've wasted too many tears.

right right now i'm planning my move out..and working. here and there i schedule fam and friends time. just still existing...all i can do for now.

again...

it seems that they've started again...my nightmares. they have not been every night but they've been off and on. and super real which is what makes them really scary. I have to stop in my dream and look around and ask myself if I'm dreaming or not. When it hits me its usually too late. by then i'm scared and freaking out by whatever seems to be scaring me. I hate it. :(

In other news, I've had some fun days with my buddies. I'm trying to get out more and socialize. Stay busy and not fall into this depression again. I miss my son...more and more every day. It puts this cloud over everything and I'm not sure how to deal with it except to not deal with it. Nuts I know but I'm not sure what to do...

so yay for christmas parties!! I have a few plans lined up. white elephant gift exchanges. funn with two NN's. just some good fun with friends. they make me smile. :)

so last night i ended up running into Ty at Pearl. Him and his buddy joined me and my friends table. it was fun. I ended up leaving with ty and his friend. we went back to ty's apartment. we watched star trek and goofed around for a bit. good times. then i slept. he held me all night. he told me he missed me. :( way too confusing right now...he makes me feel safe.

ok...dreamland time. im out. hopefully no bad dreams. :)

Happiness... :]

Today i had a very lazy day. I woke up late but awoke to my nephew slapping my face. He wanted a new bottle. haha. It was cloudy and cold outside. Finally it feels like winter here in AZ. After washing and clothing the little ones, we headed to Olive Garden for some hot soup. Amazing...then home with a movie. Eat Pray Love.

I've been thinking since then that those three words just make sense. They are essential to a happy well balanced life. But first I must EAT up life...PRAY that I will find my way and LOVE myself. I must start to believe in myself again. I used to know that I could do anything and after so much defeat i lost that little spark.

I really miss it...

Now my new goal among others is to find that spark again...the martina-sence. it's out there still...somewhere...i have faith that one day i'll become re-aligned. it's the journey thats the hardest. I must constantly battle this hill that seems to grow higher and more steep each day. Better get my boots on... :>

one other thing from that movie that was awesome was when the little old Italian lady said...

The only thing permanent in life is family.

so true. :]

cloud nine...

so i had the best night in a long time. i loved it. i couldn't really understand how it all happened but it did. i ended up having fancy friday with my buddy will. we ate and ate and celebrated his late bday at the steakhouse at my work. i gave him the grand tour of the resort. it was cute how he was in awe of everything. i took him to my work and he met like everyone i work with. and everyone loved him. we clicked really well. i don't think we stopped talking the whole time. we walked around scottsdale for a while afterwards watching the drunkards. we played giant jenga...pretty random.

tomorrow night is dancing and random adventures. so tired right now so time for sleepies...here are some pics.