Hurting...

My whole body is pretty sore still from the crazy workout I did. I didn't feel like I pushed myself too hard but my body is telling me otherwise.

It's been up and down lately with my emotions. I'm happy and confident one day then the next I'm really sad and down. I hate depression. It's really getting on my nerves. I have a mini cold right now. The weather is constantly changing also. One day it's warm and sunny the next it's cold and rainy. We have a lot in common these days.

As for my ex. I'm really not sure what's going on. I can say these things out loud but it doesn't change what I feel inside. It's kind of a slow torture to allow myself to be so close to him and hang out with him only to know that it's going to end and be no more. I just hate this waiting game. There's this giant ticking clock above us every time we hang out. Our bdays are coming up next month and I told him that we should do something his bday night like drinks or dinner. He just said that he is going to be with his family the whole day and won't be able to see me. That hurts a little to be so unimportant. I'm not sure where I stand and I ask him and it's always the same answer that we should just enjoy each moment. I think it's the not having control that bothers me.

Why do I continue to torture myself??

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamt of the time when I was in the hospital. I felt so weak and tired and I really needed to pee one night. I pressed the button for the nurse and no one came. I finally sat up and pulled my IV stand to the bathroom. I remember how dark it was and the bathroom light was on but the door was closed a little. I cried the whole time walking over.
I think that my body being so sore and me being a little sick triggered memories of when I last felt that way. I woke up and I was crying. My sister asked me if I was okay. I sat up and really did need to pee. It sucks thats the dream my body told me to wake me up. I cried in the bathroom for a while. The memories still hurt.