True Reality...

So I attempted to hang out with some girls last night. It went okay but not quite as planned. I don't know what it is about girls but there always seems to be drama. I am tired of that. Is it just the ones that I hang out with? It just seems to be every group of girls. Am I doomed to never have a close girl friendship again? It gets too complicated hanging out with guys all the time. :(

Finally my long walking journey ended at an old place of memories. Doc and Eddies. I walk in and sit at the bar texting/calling my buds for a ride when whaddayaknow!! He is there. He taps me on the shoulder and gives me a look. He asks what I'm doing there. I just look at him, grab my drink and walk away. What does he freakin own the place. I couldn't even look at him let alone try and talk. So much for the "I love you's" the "I want to be with you's" It just all went up in smoke. I was freezing cold and frustrated. I didn't even finish my drink. What good would it do anyways? I toss it and I'm sitting outside as the people around me laugh and talk. I'm thinking that I want to be like that again. Happy or at least have a sense of happiness. I do feel it sometimes when I see my niece smile or I'm around my family and can feel that loving energy that cocoons us when we're together. Other than that...I don't really know.



I sat there after the place closed still rideless and sad. and freezing...I felt so retarded. How did I let myself get into this place again? Why am I so trusting in people? The moon was my friend as I transmitted these thoughts into the night sky. Luckly, there was a good soul there that offered me a ride home. It felt good to be around him. He is calm.

Here's to getting out of the mud and into reality. No more dreamland for me anymore.

Hurting...

My whole body is pretty sore still from the crazy workout I did. I didn't feel like I pushed myself too hard but my body is telling me otherwise.

It's been up and down lately with my emotions. I'm happy and confident one day then the next I'm really sad and down. I hate depression. It's really getting on my nerves. I have a mini cold right now. The weather is constantly changing also. One day it's warm and sunny the next it's cold and rainy. We have a lot in common these days.

As for my ex. I'm really not sure what's going on. I can say these things out loud but it doesn't change what I feel inside. It's kind of a slow torture to allow myself to be so close to him and hang out with him only to know that it's going to end and be no more. I just hate this waiting game. There's this giant ticking clock above us every time we hang out. Our bdays are coming up next month and I told him that we should do something his bday night like drinks or dinner. He just said that he is going to be with his family the whole day and won't be able to see me. That hurts a little to be so unimportant. I'm not sure where I stand and I ask him and it's always the same answer that we should just enjoy each moment. I think it's the not having control that bothers me.

Why do I continue to torture myself??

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamt of the time when I was in the hospital. I felt so weak and tired and I really needed to pee one night. I pressed the button for the nurse and no one came. I finally sat up and pulled my IV stand to the bathroom. I remember how dark it was and the bathroom light was on but the door was closed a little. I cried the whole time walking over.
I think that my body being so sore and me being a little sick triggered memories of when I last felt that way. I woke up and I was crying. My sister asked me if I was okay. I sat up and really did need to pee. It sucks thats the dream my body told me to wake me up. I cried in the bathroom for a while. The memories still hurt.

Rainy day...

Today is a cloudy rainy kind of day. I love days like this. It makes me want to lay around and watch movies snuggled under a warm blankie. :)

I had a pretty good day yesterday. It was Daisy's 3rd birthday. We went to Peter Piper Pizza and hung out while she played games. It was adorable to see how hyper she got. She loved the attention.










I also went to go workout with my ex, Dustin. We did a pretty extreme kettle ball workout. I def feel it all over my body.


We've been talking a lot lately. Sometimes it's about getting back together and other times it's about the past and how much we have both grown up. He'll be leaving to boot camp in 6 weeks and that makes me sad. As much as we both didn't want to break up and as much as things got really ugly in the end we still had the comfort of knowing that we were both just down the street. When we got to a place where we could talk again it was a relief that he was always there. Just a phone call away.

Last night we talked openly about our fears for now and the future. A part of me still wants it to work out. I'm still confused in why: is it the great loss that we shared in losing our son? is it the fear of failure? is it that we genuinely still love each other? I'm not sure. I told him that i'm afraid that I'm not the only girl that he is talking to. We don't have the title of being back together, being US again and that's a little scary when we act like we are when we do hang out. It's confusing also. I'm used to feeling like we're together when we hang out because it's all I know. I told him that I've never been in this place with a guy. I've never held back so much because I'm afraid to get hurt. He was the first real relationship that I've allowed myself. Before I was too afraid to deal with something that big. Because of the risk of being let down. And he did let me down in the end. With his lies and anger. I'm also afraid that he might meet someone else while he's stationed wherever. What if he's telling me these things, writing me these letters and then *poof* it's all gone because he's been sleeping with and spending time with some other woman? Can I handle that? He said he fears the same thing. He said that he is afraid that I might fall in love with some other guy while he is away. He said what if I realize that it won't work between us and stop writing to him. He doesn't want to be all alone and forgotten.

I had a dream a couple of times over the last year that I had a little girl. She had light brown hair and light eyes. She was also a light caramel color. She was holding my hand and laughing. We were going to the park and she looked back and yelled for her daddy to hurry up. Dustin laughed behind us and ran past us yelling 'last one there is a rotten egg' It was really cute. I dreamt of her again after our son died. She was playing on the floor with her toys and I was watching her. She looked up after a while and smiled. Then, went on playing and humming. I felt this love for her that was unfamiliar. Was this my child to be? I dreamt of my son before he was born, and even before he was created. I knew that my first child would be a boy. Ever since I was little I knew that my children wouldn't be full Navajos. Crazy.


The conclusion from our talks was that we are going to focus on ourselves right now. Complete our goals, get ourselves better. Better ourselves for the future. We are gong to enjoy this time that we have left and just be happy. No rush to try to fix years of issues in 6 weeks. We are both afraid that we might never be together again but if it's meant to be it will be. We can't be each other's crutch anymore. I have to learn how to live on my own. Depend on myself. Dustin has to find himself and gain some structure in his life. We really just have to fulfill our potential. We could be great. I know that I have so much unfinished business and so does he. If down the road we end up together that would be awesome but I've reached a point that if we don't then I wish him the best. I will always love him.

Stealer of Dreams...

It's the strangest thing to watch your dreams being lived out by someone else. It's pretty sad that a person can't have thier own aspirations and yet have to steal someone else's. You can put on that happy face mask but still underneath I've seen the real you. The leech that sucks out the color in an object just to leave it numb and colorless on the ground. I told you all my goals, my hopes, my dreams and now there you are living it with another with that empty smile on your face. I feel sorry for you that you couldn't just do your own thing your own way. You thief, Stealer of Dreams.

Tricksy, tricksy..

So it looks like a bright beautiful warm day outside but oh no...it is really cold. Well as cold as it gets here in Phoenix.
I woke up this morning in this weird haze and a surprising amount of energy considering the lack of sleep I've been getting. I just felt like I had to do something today. Like I was capable of completing something. I haven't had that kind of determination in a while. Then, my mom wakes up tired and worn out and makes me feel like I'm sick or delusional for feeling that way. Without knowing it she has a way of putting me down. So, I told her that she was being weird and it was annoying. She stood there for a bit, asked what was with my attitude and then went back to bed. I didn't mean to snap at her but I was feeling pretty grand before she mocked me for actually being up early to accomplish something. I just want to have a sense that I did it on my own. I can't say by myself because my fam and friends are in the corner rooting me on. I guess I'm just tired of being dependent on other people. For my food, shelter, fun times and happiness. I really got to pull up my boots and get to it.
Who has the unpause button?

New JOY and same old, same old.

Yay my little nephew Mason made it safely into this world. It was THE most stressful week for me and our whole family. Here was some thoughts from last week...


"So, yes I am still awake. I am super tired though. You know that kinda tired that your eyes ache from trying to keep them open. yeah totally me right now. I'm just super stressed out. My younger sister is in labor right now. She has been for the past couple days but was just admitted last night. They gave her some sleeping pills so she can rest. She is super super exhausted. And she's just a little one too. She just turned 21 and she's 5 ft tall. I really really want to be there for her but I'm afraid to actually be there. Is it weird that I'm afraid to jinx her? I have that pit of my stomach feeling like I'm going to throw up and i'm dizzy at the same time. And I feel jealous. but in a "why couldn't i have that" way. Its just crazy overload with all these emotions that I didn't think i would have. I've just been at home watching over things while everyone is rushing back and forth from the hospital. Cooking dinner, cleaning the house but it's like i'm just going through the motions. LIke it's all rushing around me and I'm standing really still. Ugh..."

Then, Saturday the 16th was the 2nd anniversary of our son's death. It was sad. Me and Dustin went to the gravesite and there is still no headstone. I felt horrible. What have we been doing for the past 2 years? People were calling us because they didn't know which one was his. I felt sick and guilty that we've been too wrapped up in our own drama to honor our son properly. I need to make the 1st payment on the headstone soon. It should be ready in 3-6 months. It's the strangest thing to pick out a headstone. It just makes it more real. Afterwards, me and Dustin went to watch the Cardinals game/BBQ at his friend's. Not my idea at all. I wanted to sleep but I guess he already promised. It was even harder to be there and act like the game mattered at all when all I could think about was that my son would have been running around, talking, laughing, getting dirty. everything that a baby does. and he's not. He's lying in the ground. I had to go cry in the bathroom full of stupid smiling monkeys. (really. a monkey rug. monkey toothbrush holder. monkey shower curtain etc. ) Dustin came in and held me til I was ready to come out. It didn't help that the hosts just had a baby boy and the minute I walk in the door they thrust him at me and they hand me a bottle. And he was perfect and smiling and he grabbed my finger while he fed. I nearly lost it. At the end of the night though I was glad that I didn't just hide out in a cave. This day is going to come every year and I'm going to have to learn how to deal with it. I'm just not sure how yet...

Oh yeah so I hung out with my old co-worker Matt Sunday night. We just chatted at Salty's catching up on the lastest Mac Grill gossip. Then...he bought me a camera. Actually we went to Wal-Mart and he pulled $100 out of his wallet and said he was going to buy me a xmas/new years gift. I thought he was joiking but nope. After much thought and pacing around I picked out a digital camera. I actually really needed one too. Hmm...kinda strange though. My mom always told me nothing is ever for free.


It's been a crazy weekend also. Me and my ex have been in the talks of getting back together. It's very confusing though. He wants what we had before and we're not those people anymore. We changed a lot after our son died. I'm not as optimistic as before nor am I as driven. He made a comment tonight that made me sad. He said we switched places. He is moving up and doing new things. Being optimistic and hopeful and I'm the opposite. He said I've settled and I'm always sad. And he feels that he's to blame for those changes. Before I was the one always pushing him to do new things and try new things and be happy even though everything was crap. And that made him smile. He told me I was his sunshine. I don't really remember that person anymore.:( Plus, he's leaving to boot camp in a month and a half. Then, shipping out to who knows where. Can I be in a relationship where I'm the only one constantly there?