Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Fear is the mindkiller...

Today is tuesday and that means it has been two weeks since Dustin left to basic training. I had a dream about him last night. We were lying next to each other in our old bed at our old apartment. I was lying behind him and I was awake. I could feel him super warm against me and I could smell his Dustin smell. I put my arm around him and held him. He pulled my arm closer to him and kissed my hand. Then, I was standing up and I could see us laying there. The room was that early morning blue and I walked out of the room and out the door. It was cold outside. I inhaled and the air hurt my lungs. I could feel the tears stream down my face. I kept walking down the mountain that I used to live on.

Really?? right. There is so many metaphors in that dream its nuts. I'm really just trying to move on. I love him too much and I think that does something to a person. Can I really just forgive all his faults? Can I be that person again that just ignores it all? Can I handle lying to myself again because I think I have everything I wanted? What do I want? that is the question.

I want to be happy again. I want to be able to support myself. Have my own apartment, car etc. I hate this feeling of being trapped. I want to run and not look back but I don't think I'm able to do that. again anyways. Running away is not going to solve anything. I just have to stick it out and hope that things will get better. So far it's been trying.:>

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