still truckin...

We went to Luepp, AZ Saturday to sell some of our old junk. It was weird to be swarmed by people. They were grabbing at our stuff and we were still unloading. We sold a good amount of stuff. Nice now we know where the spot is.

I totally forgot about my camera so i just have this pic of the sunset on the way home.

And I'm back to job hunting. I really really need one. I'm tired of not having money and feeling stuck here. I want to get out on my own and be my own person. Here's to the search. :>

Fear is the mindkiller...

Today is tuesday and that means it has been two weeks since Dustin left to basic training. I had a dream about him last night. We were lying next to each other in our old bed at our old apartment. I was lying behind him and I was awake. I could feel him super warm against me and I could smell his Dustin smell. I put my arm around him and held him. He pulled my arm closer to him and kissed my hand. Then, I was standing up and I could see us laying there. The room was that early morning blue and I walked out of the room and out the door. It was cold outside. I inhaled and the air hurt my lungs. I could feel the tears stream down my face. I kept walking down the mountain that I used to live on.

Really?? right. There is so many metaphors in that dream its nuts. I'm really just trying to move on. I love him too much and I think that does something to a person. Can I really just forgive all his faults? Can I be that person again that just ignores it all? Can I handle lying to myself again because I think I have everything I wanted? What do I want? that is the question.

I want to be happy again. I want to be able to support myself. Have my own apartment, car etc. I hate this feeling of being trapped. I want to run and not look back but I don't think I'm able to do that. again anyways. Running away is not going to solve anything. I just have to stick it out and hope that things will get better. So far it's been trying.:>

Philthy Phil's and the Boom Boom Room...

Friday night was fun. I went to my buddy TJ's going away party. Didn't get to stay long though. My friend who was my ride was being lame-o so had to leave early. I did get some pictures with them though. Here's philthy phil's.




Then, afterwards I mosied over to the Boom Boom Room and ran into some old pals. I love that only if they're the pals I want to run into too. haha. It was cool though. I got a ride home and that was all the mattered. Oh yeah and some random guy bought me a t-shirt. yea...

Spring Break...

It's weird how when you're not in school anymore it's like you lose sense of time. Time is really fluid. It was spring break last week for the high school and college kids here in tempe. Yay! I'm glad it was great weather. Really warm. I have yet to go swimming though. Maybe today or tomorrow. The cool thing about spring break was a few of my buddies came down to hang out. I showed them around. good times.


Today my task for the day is to apply apply apply!! I really need a job. I really hate this feeling of settling and blahness. Spring fever is really annoying. Here's to getting out of the house today and enjoying some sunshine!

I love rock n roll...

I saw The Runaways last night. It was pretty awesome. My sis got one of those free movie preview tickets. We had an extra ticket for two but no takers. Me and sis arlynda went around TMP (tempe marketplace) for some takers. There was an unusual amount of groups of three. We finally just gave up and handed the ticket to two guys that were hanging out. They were, of course, waiting for their brother. haha. They got in though. And sat right in front of us. Weirdos...

We are waiting for the movie. 1.5 hours later...

The movie was really intense. Lots of drugs and sex. Def a must see though.

There was also more drama last night. My older sister moved out of her boyfriend's mom's place. It happened while we were waiting for the movie. It sucks but can't say we didn't see it coming. She can do a whole lot better and doesn't need some leech sucking the life outta her. I'm trying to get all the leeches outta my life. It's very hard. Believe you me. I admire her though. It takes a lot to just say F it and pack up your two kids and your junk and leave. We moved her right in last night. It's very packed and cozy here but I like it. This house is scary when it's empty.

and the drama continues with my step-dad. His pettiness does not surprise me. He has been asking for lil crap just to be a pain. This is really unnecesary drama. I don't understand how I once used to respect this man.

Night Adventure!!

Last night was going to be a big night of dancing and meeting new people. Didn't quite work itself out that way. We didn't have a ride or much skrilla(<-that means $). So, me and the lil sis had to make our own adventure. Here is our trip to Blockbuster one dark and cold night..
.

I feel a little dirty...

Most of my fam went out of town last night. They headed north to see the snow and our fam that lives there. I so wanted to go. Finally give my snow jacket a 2nd try to see snow. I only got to use it once so far.

So, my buddy Matt called and wanted to hang out. I had no $ or ride and he said he'll pay for the cab both ways. I get there and we sit and talk. He buys me a drink then some buddies leave and another arrives. This guy Cody asks if we want to go with him to Mill Ave. Sure we say and we're in downtown Tempe. We hang out. Talk. I'm super tired by then. We head out and stop at the gas station. They come out with 3 cases of beer. ??! then, we're heading to an apartment next door with the guy with the asian balls. (beer pong balls that is) and they start playing beer pong. I'm talking, laughing, hanging out. I'm getting more and more tired and tell my buddy that I'm going to call the cab to go home. He then stops and tells me how you going to pay for that? Immediantly I'm like what? you said you were going to pay for it. he then stops and sips his beer. then goes into this rant about how he feels like i'm taking advantage of him. how i expect everytime that he's going to pay for everything and everyone. and how he bought me a camera...that was it there. I tell him i'm no whore and that he can't buy me. And that i never expect anything from him. he's the one always offering. and about paying for everyone. that's his freaking deal. i was super pissed by then. AGAIN!! really how am i surprised every time? but i kinda knew it was going to happen. my sis called it.
so i leave. i'm calling my buddy to give me a ride and he's not answering. there is this group of guys hanging out by the fence. I start talking to them. they tell me they're a bboy group and they are leaving a party. they offer me a ride home. usually i'm stranger danger but they seemed okay. they told me they weren't killers or rapists. one guy even gave me his phone to hold. he was like if we freak you out you can call my mama. they calmed me down though with their joking and laughing. they taught me some new handshakes. cute kids. so glad i was steered to a nice group that got me home safe. as for my so called buddy. I guess this is the end of that "friendship"...at least i got a camera.

Feeling a little down with worry...

It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed.
- Theodore Roosevelt

zombies are the devil...

So, I woke up in the middle of the night sat up in bed and gasped. I had a pretty horrible dream. I forget what most of it was about but the part I do remember was pretty gruesome.

I was walking in this forest with some guy. We were laughing and saying how we have to get back in before its dark. We come upon these two metal buildings. Knock a secret knock and walk inside. We run to these barracks/rooms. We kiss goodnight and I lay in my cot. I hear screaming and get up. I run towards this smaller room and everyone is standing in line. One by one we are jumping into this manhole that leads to a room full of water. Someone is shouting 'you all know the route. take a deep breath and swim as fast as you can.' The screaming continues. My heart is going to burst out of my chest. I take a deep breath and dive in. I swim to this underwater room. Everyone is packed in. Some are crying. Someone says 'we've never been pushed this far in before' I still have no idea what is going on. I find the guy from before and he holds me. We lay down to sleep. I dream. In my dream within a dream I am younger. I wake up and these zombies are everywhere. I am in a regular room. It is daytime and they are asleep. A little boy is asleep in one of their arms. He is still human. I reach out and touch him. He opens his eyes and smiles. He crawls into my arms and I hold him. He tells me he can't find his mom or dad. And that he hides when they wake up. I guess the zombies are only awake at night. We sleep. I wake up to screaming. They are eating his arms. They pull them off and he's crying walking towards me. I grab him but there is so much blood. I'm screaming. Why aren't they eating me? They don't even look at me. then...i wake up.

Freaking nutty dream. I hate zombies. But I still watch the movies. so...happy thursday. haha.

A little piece of me is going far away...

You know, no matter how hard I try to hate someone. I can't help but to still love them as well. Why is my heart so big and forgiving?? Especially to those who I'm not so sure deserve a piece of it.

My ex left today for basic training. It was sad and I cried. Originally, we were suppose to have dinner with his family but that got lost in translation. So, he ended up just stopping by my mom's house. I was confused because I didn't know how I should act. I'm not the sad fiancee' that he's leaving behind nor am I the sad girlfriend. I'm just an ex-fiancee' that he says he loves and misses but his actions don't say that at all. We did have a sweet saturday night. I spent the night and we lounged and watched movies. I actually slept the whole night. I hate that my body is still use to his smell and super warm body lying next to mine. Two years later...and still we just can't stop this roller coaster we call our love. it's like we've both become addicted to the idea and fantasy of what has been and what could be. Are we really destined to play out the lives of desperate souls in an old sad tale? but yea...I cried and he held me. It's for the best he told me. His arms were really warm and it cocooned me. For a minute I couldn't feel the cold rainy day all I felt were his arms and I heard him whisper 'I love you forever' into my ear. I looked at him and told him that we are a mess. what a pair we make. I was kind of mad too because I was so scared for him. I just wanted to shout 'don't go' 'stay here!' 'who will hold me when i'm sad?' but i didn't say any of those things. i really tried to not bring up our drama but some slipped out. I felt numb after he drove away. I'm happy that he is doing something with himself. I just don't want to lose him too.

:(

:> My heart is smiling!

Wow such an emotional week. My new little nephew Julian was born on Tuesday. 8lbs 9oz. A big boy. I was trying so hard to think good thoughts and not be so stressed out. That didn't happen. I don't think that childbirth/babies will never not be scary for me. All I could think of was the worst. And I hate that. Maybe one day it won't be so scary. But all that drama aside Julian made it safely to this world. My heart was smiling as we all crammed into my sister's hospital room. Me and my sisters and brother and mama. The little ones laying on the bed and Daisy stuffing her face with chocolate. Then, I felt sad because I missed my son. He should be trying to steal the chocolate from Daisy right now. Asking what about him when I'm holding my new nephews. No matter how much my heart is smiling it is always sad that he's not here.

Besides the other drama from my step-dad and his threats to my mom.(oh yeah. he's telling her he's not going to give her any $ for rent, food etc. and he's the only provider for the family. that bastard) but yeah my ex leaves monday for basic training. he will be gone for 6 months. we've hung out a few times. we went to a bday dinner and i'm going to another with him and his grandma tomorrow. it's my chance to finally get some closure with his family. we broke up so suddenly and i never really got to say goodbye. my family wishes him well but would rather us not be in contact. they think he's a bad influence on me. anyways...so much going on. i'm tired and my niece is getting restless here at the library. I promised her the park and she remembered. cute. :>



Daisy asked what about her. She wanted to be the baby.
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Daisy's family portrait. Daisy is the purple one. She said she's happy. Her mom is the yellow one holding her baby brother. The blue one is her dad. She said he's really little. And the red one is an egg that walks?? i think that's from happy feet.
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Daisy showing her mom her picture.

Daisy meeting her brother.

wowza...

I can't believe it's already March. How the months fly by. I have so much I want to accomplish this year, I just have to stay on track. It's going to def be hard but it's gotta be done. Here's to a new month. new goals. :)