So long ago...

a lot has happened since I last wrote here. I just have been trying to keep busy and stay outta trouble. It has been good so far.

Right now I'm at a crossroads and am trying to figure out which way to go. Left or right...

I know what I feel in my heart and it says to go left. But what is, as they say, "good" for me I really should go right. I'm not sure but I feel I have to make up my mind soon. :( How did things get so twisted? I remember when they were so simple and happy.

Here's to hopefully making the "right" choice.

Ducks in a pond...

I went on a lot of mini adventures with my niece the other day. She makes me smile. We went to feed ducks. She had fun running after the birds and throwing huge pieces of bread at the ducks. We played tag at the jungle gym. I was the only adult there that was chasing and playing with the kids I brought. I took my lil sis Renee also. It was a super fun day. Really hot! It is November,right?

Heroes in a half shell !!

Halloween night!! Hilarious. We are missing our 4th turtle though. She was at a bbq. Good times.

Cloudy with a chance of rain...

Wangdoodles, and Hornswogglers, and Snozzwangers, and rotten, Vermicious Knids. I ssw all of these at the Halloween party I went to Saturday night. haha not really but I might as well have. My younger sister and cousin made up the rest of my wolf pack. :) We had some tasty food and drinks. Froze our butts off. Thank god for the fire pit. That was awesome even though we smelled like a campfire afterwards. Haha. And the guy with the open fly. Poor thing. We didn't know whether to tell him or not. And I bet my cousin wish she didn't ask Clark Kent what his costume was. He was dressed in all white with a few gray cotton balls taped to his chest. He said he was cloudy with a chance of rain and sprayed her in the face. And he was way drunk and ended up knocking my drink down my dress. Sticky soda all the way down. Good thing it was when I was leaving. Crazy guy.

It was very weird to see a lot of my old co-workers. Joey, Jay, Jake, Laura, Erin, Elaina, Chris, Clark Kent, Travis, Vince, Ty, Lyndsay, Fernando, Dina, Matt and many more. I went from seeing all of these people everyday to not seeing them at all the past two months. A lot of them I call my friends even though we hardly get to hang out.

Some of them I was not ready to see. They seemed to have seen and known a part of me that I don't want to remember. A person that I was starting to become so soon after so much happened. I wouldn't say that I want to take anything back but I do wish that I thought things through more carefully. Let's just say that I destroyed a lot of friendships before they had a chance to really grow. I was sad and lonely and really needed someone to hold me. As weird as that seems it made sense to me at the time. A few people are still mad at me for not choosing them over leaving the state. They thought they had what it took to "fix" me. I didn't want to be fixed nor would I ever want to be someone's project.

What I really want is a partner. Someone I can trust and count on to be there. No matter what happens. Good or Bad. I thought I found that person. It just seems so hard to even think about finding that again. :(

Life...

There's no earthly way of knowing / Which direction we are going / There's no knowing where we're rowing / Or which way the river's flowing / Is it raining? / Is it snowing? / Is a hurricane a-blowing? / Not a speck of light is showing / So the danger must be growing / Are the fires of hell a-glowing? / Is the grisly reaper mowing? / Yes! The danger must be growing /For the rowers keep on rowing / And they're certainly not showing / Any signs that they are slowing! -Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

You Really Got a Hold on Me...

I don't like you, but I love you
Seems I'm always, thinking of you
Oh, oh, oh, you treat me badly
I love you madly
You really got a hold on me...
-The Miracles

Thick fog, red tank and small weirdos...

Me and my cousin, Kim, went to Axis /Radius Saturday night.It was ok... We had fun because we made the most of it. It just seemed kind of off. We wanted to have fun and go out but there was a hint of something...it's really eerie. Can't really explain it. Might be that sheenie curse!! haha!! It was really bummer that my younger sister couldn't join in the fun, seeing that she is only 18. Soon to be 19, mind you. So, the night went on. Me and my cousin danced. Danced. Danced. It was crazy hot there. And there were these really small guys being all creepy trying to hump us. It was weird because we turned around and had to look down to see them. I'm 5'2"!! Yea imagine us manuvering the dance floor to avoid those little guys. (no offense to any hot little dudes) haha.Then...all of a sudden there was this crazy cold fog...I couldn't see anything. I could barely see my cousin and she was standing right in front of me. I was afraid to get molested by those small men in the fog. With their little hands and all. haha. Ah good times at Axis...priceless.

Sunshine in the storm...

"Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear.And I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer..." Lots of mini adventures lately. I love those the best. They seem so unimportant but seem to make up the most random memories.

I felt super blah last night. I was watching a movie, having an awesome time lounging and then I got really sad. I realized again that my son is dead. I will never see him celebrate so many milestones that so many others take for granted. First smile, laugh, tooth lost, graduation, first love, marriage, grandchildren...a whole life that existed for such a short time inside me. :(

Then...today me, my sis and my cousin took my niece to the park. I almost cried as she ran around in circles. She was so happy to be there. Swings, slides, sand and steps completed her world at that moment. She even stopped to give me a little hug before we went down the slide. Despite everything that I felt the night before it was all erased when she gave me that crinkly eyed smile. Her happiness is pure. I love it. And I love her.

Bobbin in the ocean...

I looked in the mirror today and I didn't recognize who I saw. It was a weird feeling and has been since I woke up that morning after it happened. 'He is really gone' is all I thought as I looked into my empty arms where he should have been.

I talked to my ex the other day and he is also going through a rough time. The feelings of sadness and anger come and go now. For him he is in the sadness part...really bad. He scares me sometimes with the way he talks. I keep telling him not to give up. He tells me that he feels alone in the world. I remind him of his family, friends and me. Even though we are no longer together we still love each other deeply. I don't think that will ever go away.



It is hard to not think about the past. To not think about how things used to be happier. How there even existed a time when I couldn't think of anything else except being next to him, kissing him and feeling his love. When I was in the hospital the one memory that got me through going over the edge was when we were in Mexico. Yeah, that vacation was a total bust. With his dad being really mean to him and the rest of his family being unsupportive about our engagment. We still made the most of it. We laughed and smiled and explored new places together. I miss those times but I know it can never be the same again.

I told my ex that I understand how he feels right now. Like you're bobbin in the ocean, not really sure where you are or where you're going. It is a lost feeling but what we must remember is there are a ton of people under us that are keeping us from drowning. And we have to keep swimming...

Use Someone...

I was thinking today about the Kings of Leon concert that I went to in May. It was amazing. I loved it even though it was hot outside. I went with my buddy, Dustin, and that was interesting. I'm not sure he seemed preoccupied with something else. It was fun all the same we had some beer and sat in the grassy area. We did attempt to go to the front of the stage but it was like an oven up there. In the end, we settled for the grass and swayed to the music. Good times.

Today was a very lazy day. I definitely had a case of the Mondays. I help watch my niece during the week. She was super excited all morning because my mom is back in town. She was sharing all her stories and adventures with my mom. It was really cute.


The other day we went to McDonald's so she can play at the play place. (It was super dirty by the way) She had a good time.

R.I.P Taco

My sister's dog died today. We are not sure what happened. He is up in northern AZ at my Grandma's house. My mom found him laying besides the house. They are going to bury him next to our other past dog, Bo. We will miss him dearly. He was a naughty crazy puppy but so happy with his goofy face and big ears.

Apple Crisp, Rambo and me...

I was at my old place of employment last night. It was different. I hadn't been there since I quit a few months ago. It used to be a safe place for me after my son died. During my pregnancy I was there almost everyday. It felt good to be in a place full of many memories. Some I thought I might forget. Then, one day I realized that I didn't need to be at that place anymore just to remember. I would never forget that time.

Yeah, so me, two of my sisters (I have 5!), my bro, cousin and two other brosephs went to eat dessert. It was nice to sit and eat and talk for a bit.

Later that night was interesting. Me, my cousin and younger sister were so ready for some fun. We had on our new dresses, hair done...we were good to go. We had planned to go to Sky Lounge to dance the night away. Due to $$ issues we couldn't go. So, on to plan B.

We headed to a party that my cousin was at in Phoenix. It was ok...There were all guys and only two girls (my cousin and her friend). Normally this would have been *jackpot* but the guys were pretty lame. I got a glass of cold coca-cola and sat on a bench by this huge dog named Rambo. Under the moonlight he looked over at me and shimmed closer. I laughed as he lowered his head towards me. I'm a sucker for adorable dogs (ah so sad!). So I gave him a good ear scratch and he laid his head in my lap. It was so cute. My cousin laughed at us. Her friend yelled to the guys that Rambo had more game then all of them put together. I did have fun there though. We told stories of crazy haunted houses (real ones not those lame-o fake ones) and planned to throw a party for Halloween at said haunted house. :/



We left the party early due to boredom and headed to Amado's for some horchata. Sadly, it was pretty lame there also. We just cut our losses after that and headed home. Here's to next Saturday night...all I wanted to do was dance. :( Stay tuned.

That Day...

The light shined through the window that morning cascading an eerie blue across the room. I rolled over and kissed him on the tip of his nose. He sighed, smiled and rubbed my tummy. "I love you both," he whispered.

He danced and sang his favorite song as he dressed. His green eyes lit up so bright and full of life. He twirled me and held me close. So close…

His eyes told me that something was wrong. They were red and tears were falling from them. He held my feet and put his head down on the examination bed. The doctor's coat and its pockets full of pens. Her sad eyes looked at me as she wrote in her folder. I couldn't hear anything. What was happening?

I laid there in the bed with the tubes pushing coldness into my veins, into my lungs. I could only feel heaviness, coldness, pain. No lights as the shadows around my bed danced. Always changing, always moving. Where am I?

It was so quiet. I laid there with my eyes closed praying for sound. There was nothing. I looked up and saw their faces filled with sadness and tears. The hands touching me as the pain numbed. I held him close. He was so small and perfect. A tiny replica of our two beings merged. He slept. He looked so peaceful. This isn't how it was supposed to be.

He whispers. "I love you. Don't leave me. Stay with me." He holds my hand crying. I see him but I can't move. I see him…

We sleep. We don't care anymore. "What is the use?" we ask ourselves.

We don't talk anymore. We never see each other. We sleep.

He is never there. It is night and I am alone. It is morning and I am alone.

We cry. We hold each other and cry. I don't want to let go but he loosens my hands and walks out. I am alone. What happened?



In memory of my son. Anthony Gabriel Baker. Born and died January 16, 2008

The sun, a box car and me...

Today I headed north towards Payson. I went to complete the switcharoo with my mom and sister. Exchange my step dad and two lil sisters for my other lil sister. We headed back right after the exchange. So very tired but an all around productive day.

So, before I completed my mission of the day. We stopped at a gas station. Stumbling half-asleep out of the car I passed two young guys in a box car (also known as a Scion). They stopped and looked up at me as they fumbled with their license plate. One said "hello", the other smiled. I smiled and walked on. Just cute. I thought. On the way out the smiling one asked me if I was Native. I nodded my head and got back in the car. As we pulled away, I saw him in the rear view mirror standing there with his hand up.

I had an interesting chat with the sis on the ride back. Seems that we are both at a crossroads or a better term would be a ten car pile up in our lives. Things over the past two years haven't exactly panned out for us. We just continue on though. What else is there to do? Yeah I went through the stages of being a complete idiot and now I'm ready to actually start making changes. Physical ones not just the verbal changes.

Here's to change.

"Be the change you want to see in the world." - Ghandi