If there's a book you want to read but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it.

~ Toni Morrison

Same old story...

I had a pretty emotional day yesterday...I was at the Local Union 469 annual family picnic with my fam and we had to all wear our masks. I hate it when we have to do that. I see us all smiling and trying to make it a happy time and day but I know underneath we are all screaming. we are crying wondering why?? Why does he have to do this again? Are we not worth it to him? Do we mean nothing? He didn't even consider us first when it came time to family time with the people he works with everyday. We were fools to believe him again. I felt like a kid again, standing there with my cotton candy watching this man with the empty promises search through the crowds. He sat there playing family but really his eyes were searching for something else.
I hate feeling like we're not good enough. Makes me want to slap a hoe.



Now we have to go through it all again. How are we going to pay for this and that while he runs off once more and spends his money left and right on useless crap...all while we scrap by to keep fed and clothed. Then a few weeks, months, years he'll come back crying saying he was wrong...he's sorry...he didn't mean it...it'll never happen again. yeah...that's what he said last time.
and the time before that...and before that...

Later that night though, I went to my ex's for a going away celebration. We went to Carrabba's. It smelled like old feet in there but the food was delish! It was kind of weird to sit and eat with my ex and to know all the history and feelings that haven't gone away. How can I love someone that crushed me to pieces? Makes no sense at all. We actually had a good time though. Talking and eating in our fantasy world where only good things happen and unicorns exist...

We kissed and lay in each others arms...we just want to feel safe and warm. Can we just exist in this moment and forget all the rest?

I decided to go home and sleep. maybe I'll have that dream where I can fly and watch the sun rise again.

Bday cake!!

My bday cake at my mom's house with the family. Strawberries and chocolate. Super Yum!! haha. My rez candle was awesome!

My Bday dinner!!

Birthday dinner with my sisters at PF Chang's. Lettuce wraps are yum!!

happiness!!

I love that just a few minutes with my niece Daisy can make my heart smile all day. We were at the laundry the other day and she put my shades on her Henry. It was adorable. She said he was cool now. :)

The same goes for my nephew Mason. He is growing bigger and bigger everyday. I love his face!!













Me and my sisters have been taking a lot of adventures lately. We somehow always end up at Tempe Town Lake. Now we can document our travels with my new camera. :)









In other latest news, my birthday was yesterday!! I am now 25 years old. My good buddies called me and wished me a happy bday. and some even stopped by to give me gifts. One buddy drove 4 hours to go dancing. And dancing we did!! haha. me the dork I am forgot my camera in the car it was too far and too cold that no one wanted to go back to get it. oh well. we have one blurry pic. Thank god for my sister's camera phone. Then, sunday night my friend Mary took me out to dinner. We went to my old work. I have a pic with my bday cake there too. It was nice to talk and relax and see old friends. Then, Monday my actual bday was kind of a sad day. I had a series of memory dreams about my son the night before so I woke up sad and depressed. It didn't help that it was rainy and cloudy and cold. I just laid inside under a blanket all day. Thank goodness for my sisters! We went to PF Changs for a sister dinner. They brought their babies. :) We had lettuce wraps and honey chicken. yum. And I had another bday cake! Carrot this time. Then, afterwards we went home to my mom's and I had another bday cake. Double chocolate with chocolate chips and strawberries!!! super yum. we didn't have any candles so I did it all rez and lit a match. It was perfect. The fam was all there, we had cake. beautiful.


but you know what was still confusing? I still miss Dustin. through all the happiness that day I just wanted to lay in his arms and forget feeling so sad and alone. :(