again...

it seems that they've started again...my nightmares. they have not been every night but they've been off and on. and super real which is what makes them really scary. I have to stop in my dream and look around and ask myself if I'm dreaming or not. When it hits me its usually too late. by then i'm scared and freaking out by whatever seems to be scaring me. I hate it. :(

In other news, I've had some fun days with my buddies. I'm trying to get out more and socialize. Stay busy and not fall into this depression again. I miss my son...more and more every day. It puts this cloud over everything and I'm not sure how to deal with it except to not deal with it. Nuts I know but I'm not sure what to do...

so yay for christmas parties!! I have a few plans lined up. white elephant gift exchanges. funn with two NN's. just some good fun with friends. they make me smile. :)

so last night i ended up running into Ty at Pearl. Him and his buddy joined me and my friends table. it was fun. I ended up leaving with ty and his friend. we went back to ty's apartment. we watched star trek and goofed around for a bit. good times. then i slept. he held me all night. he told me he missed me. :( way too confusing right now...he makes me feel safe.

ok...dreamland time. im out. hopefully no bad dreams. :)

Happiness... :]

Today i had a very lazy day. I woke up late but awoke to my nephew slapping my face. He wanted a new bottle. haha. It was cloudy and cold outside. Finally it feels like winter here in AZ. After washing and clothing the little ones, we headed to Olive Garden for some hot soup. Amazing...then home with a movie. Eat Pray Love.

I've been thinking since then that those three words just make sense. They are essential to a happy well balanced life. But first I must EAT up life...PRAY that I will find my way and LOVE myself. I must start to believe in myself again. I used to know that I could do anything and after so much defeat i lost that little spark.

I really miss it...

Now my new goal among others is to find that spark again...the martina-sence. it's out there still...somewhere...i have faith that one day i'll become re-aligned. it's the journey thats the hardest. I must constantly battle this hill that seems to grow higher and more steep each day. Better get my boots on... :>

one other thing from that movie that was awesome was when the little old Italian lady said...

The only thing permanent in life is family.

so true. :]

cloud nine...

so i had the best night in a long time. i loved it. i couldn't really understand how it all happened but it did. i ended up having fancy friday with my buddy will. we ate and ate and celebrated his late bday at the steakhouse at my work. i gave him the grand tour of the resort. it was cute how he was in awe of everything. i took him to my work and he met like everyone i work with. and everyone loved him. we clicked really well. i don't think we stopped talking the whole time. we walked around scottsdale for a while afterwards watching the drunkards. we played giant jenga...pretty random.

tomorrow night is dancing and random adventures. so tired right now so time for sleepies...here are some pics.

Easy peasy...yeah right.

So, its safe to say that my weekend didn't end up as planned but overall it was retarded fun. so many random times and moments. Despite the drama i would say best halloweenie time.

Me and my buddy Kelly decided to stay in town and not go to vegas. there was that pit of my stomach feeling that i had and it was flashing saying NO NO NO. so i listened and here i am still in one piece. Kelly had the same feeling too. We just dressed up as Batman and Robin and ran around old town being a bunch of weirdos. we went bar trick or treating. hilarious times. her buddy was the shake weight guy and his shake weight was manhandled way more than i've ever seen anything manhandled before. funny thing is it was all dudes that were trying it. haha. crazy guys.

sunday night i danced so much. four or five different clubs with the random bunch of kelly's friend. we were a little obnoxious. we were feeding off each other's craziness. good times. we ended the night with a late meal with some norwegian dudes. they were hilarious and laughed at us as we tried to speak norwegian. we corrupted them with curly fries and milkshakes. they kept picking us up also. apparently its how they say hello and goodbye. i just took their word for it and enjoyed being carried. :> they were nice and of all places thier next destination was burque. haha. i recommended a few places and saw them off before they left to the airport.

soooo...here are some pics. and to good times. they make me smile :]

take a sad song and make it better...

so it's been three weeks since me and ty broke up. :( sad still but i found that i have actually been at home and somewhat there. i realized that i used ty as an escape from responsibilities and facing the truth. i have to get myself out of the situation that i'm in now. by myself. i can't go relying on someone else again.

i need a car!!!

an apt!!

independence.

i'm 25 now and i want to come and go as i please. if i want to go out on a tuesday night. why not? it's my own responsibility to get to work on time and take care of what needs to be done the next day. i just miss leaving when i want and going to places that i want.

don't get me wrong i love my family and all the time i spend with them. it's just different now.

so in other news i've just been working a lot. i try to hang out with my friends as much as i can. i've started hanging out with girls!! yeah...non-drama kind.

i'm working on my costume right now. i've got some things lined up for this halloween weekend extravaganza...party at my sister's friday...hotel valley ho halloween gala on saturday night then...maybe vegas for the actual halloween night...who knows. its just an outline. could happen or not...we'll see.

here are some pics. i gotta get back to work. :>

me carrying tables at my cousin's bday


me and my mama


my sis kristen, her bf matt and thier son mason.


julian's new shoes!!


Ashley and me before a night on the town.


my cousin auggie's pumpkin...spooky


my lil sister's cupcake tower cake


carving pumpkins


me and ashley at PCL (pussy cat lounge)


me all cheese


me and ty at his bday bash at suede


ty in the backyard...love those bbqs


ty on camelback mtn.

head in the clouds...

so finally a post...it has been too long.

I've just gotten caught up in a ton of drama and "semi-relationship". I'm not sure what it is. it looks like and feels like a relationship but i guess a part of me always knew that there was something missing. a reason i held myself at a distance. and sad to say that my heart hurts right now. the one thing i tried to keep so safe and well guarded and somehow someone snuck past and made a charade of it. they made things feel like once again it could feel so easy and be nice. i should of knew that it was too good to be true.

i'm not really sure what to think right now...i'm going to go to sleep. maybe it'll make sense in the morning.

insane in the membrane...

so. i've gotten really bad at actually posting blogs lately. it just seems lately that the days and weeks and months are blurring right by. time when i was younger seemed to be an eternal neverending thing. something that took soooo long. now it seems like i blink and two years have gone by and i'm still standing in the same place. weird how that works huh?

i had a really good random adventure weekend. i worked which was amazing. it was busy and i love it when it is...time flies by...which then leaves room for the fun. saturday night i went to the tavern. i haven't been there in so long...it was fun. sunday we headed to the lake...randomly...it was super hot and amazing...i wish i had my bathing suit though. after we took a long nap and ate a late dinner. i love that warm sunniness thats left on your skin after a long day in the sun. it makes you want to sleep and watch a movie. i love naps. the time at the lake reminded me of all the times that me and dustin used to go to the river and lake...there was a group that was right besides us and i got random flashbacks of those times. of a me so long ago...a happier less broken person.

sometimes i feel like a wounded bird. i want to fly but can't because my wings are broken...

then sometimes i feel like i'm at the top of the world and things can't possibly be better but that feeling scares me...because of last time.

i'm just working like a dog...making that money. staying busy. keeping drama at a distance. enjoying living in the moment. :> hope you're all doing the same.

:> :> :> :>

so i got humped at work today...yeah...no need to worry we kicked the guy out. it was just so weird. It's monsoon season here and i think that does something to people. rain in PHX!! what! no way! haha...

it's been a pretty good last couple of weeks. i've actually been...happy...is it weird that being happy scares me. my body tenses when i have that feeling of wholeness. i think it's just because the last time i felt that whole and happy my entire world was crushed...

i'm working really hard on distancing myself from people with drama and craziness...funny thing is i find that leaves me practically no one to hang out with. oh well looks like i'll have to make more friends. yay to new buddies.

just recently i started seeing this guy. he's pretty chill. i like that he has a brain. i can actually have a conversation with him. weird. we also listen to the same music but are constantly able to expose the other to new bands all the time. he's a lot different than a lot of guys that i've dated. he's like a fluffy puppy. haha. for now he keeps the sadness away...

well i am off to nap and take a bath. freshen up for the late night. i'm serving at a private party tonight at work. suppose to be Crrrrraaazzzzzyyyyy!!! awesome i love it!


me and my sis arlynda leaving the silversun pickups concert!! it was way hot!!
my nephew Mason can sit now!!!

My niece Daisy loving the monsoon rain!!

me and some girls from work with thier boys. dinner at city hall steakhouse :>

taking it as it comes...

so the last few weeks i've had some interesting times. good times. happy times. i look at my family and their weirdness and i love them more for just being themselves. i've been meeting some new people too. I've gone on a few dates over the past weeks...some better than others. lately it has been strange to find someone that i can talk to. OMG there are people that have brains. it's weird to say something and that person to understand exactly what i mean. it has def been a while. i'm not really in a place to begin anything new and i'm just taking it as it comes...one day at a time. a huge part of me is still hurting. the tears still come everyday.

so on that note...here are some pics of the fam and me and my sister's crazy adventures to afterlife... :>

zombie magic...

so i am super tired...1 ten hour shift down...6 more to go. :( tiring but i love hours. it = more cash money!! gotta love that...

so last night i had a really random dream...i was staring at this sheet of music and i was humming the tune and editing the music. then i picked up a violin and started playing it. it was a really sad and slow tune...
i haven't played the violin in years. i have been wanting to start playing again...maybe it's time.

so this is going to be short and sweet because i have work in a few hours.

happy 4th of july and happy sunday!!

maybe i'll get to see the last airbender. :>

santa fe...burque pics continued...